Final draft

Most students of MCH may spend time to use SNS such as facebook. They update their picture, daily life and their feeling. Although students know that SNS is negative for their study, they still use SNS. SNS already dominated our life. This blogger is also one of SNS. Why SNS become strong in our life?

We every time feel happy or pleasure when friends pay attention to my updating. most people thought this is the reason that they use SNS. Especially, SNS is the important connector that can communicate with our friends (maybe new friends or girl, boyfriends) these days. However, according to online job site - albamon , many people feel lonely when they could not get the attention in SNS. Furthermore many think that SNS is waste of time (2014.08.10) . Above all,  it was proved that SNS plays a role as heckler in their relationship. So I suggest 'SNS ruins relationships'. It is my thesis.

 

 First, What is SNS? SNS is abbreviation of 'social network service'. 'Social network service' means 'the community services which share information, make more personal connections : Naver dictionary.

Summing-Up that I've researched is that First, people feel self-contentment and great power mentality when they use SNS. Furthermore, They use SNS to maintain their acquaintanceship. However, 77% of university students feel 'SNS is waste of time' although 82% of college students are using SNS (They use SNS one hour for one day) (online job site - albamon ,2014.08.11). They also feel lonely when there is no attention to their updating contrariwise. From this research, I can argue that 'SNS ruins relationships' certainly.

 

 SNS gives people a sense of alienation rather than better relationship. According to many articles, people feel lonely when they use SNS. How? People find new friends and they share their daily. It is unbelievable. However, many people feel this phenomenon. Furthermore, many experts suggest that SNS causes sense of deprivation

In Busan university, 황성욱·박재진 professors investigated about 'the psychological problem of facebook'. The result was that people have stress that was made by the light relationship that is maintained only in facebook. Furthermore, they have feeling of loss when they watch embellished daily of friends. Lastly, they also have pressure that they must update their daily falsely ('Busan University , 2014 . 04. 01).

In real case, Mr Lee (30 years old, live in Ulsan) removed all Social network services which he used. He told that "When I use SNS, all people who are SNS friends look like happy except me." , "Friends update their new car pictures, trip pictures and these make me have a sense of inferiority.."

a department of neuropsychiatry doctor mentioned that "SNS makes people have complex and compared consciousness."

 SNS is the place of instigation.

This phenomenon may implant the negative prejudice to friends, politician and so on. Therefore, it rather spoils relationship. According to one of the article about SNS, Lee moon one who is the editor-in-chief of 'media watch' mentioned that "twitter is getting extreme to instigate rumor, political false truth very artistically and extremely". Furthermore, he said "Although twitter is small social network service, through celebrities, it functions as secondary article production factory and it means twitter functions as issuing system for a political struggle."

The users of twitter are about 60,000 and about 10,000 users are using twitter in quality. So it was surprised that twitter is used as issuing system. It implies that SNS gives negative prejudice to the relationship. In my case, sometimes my MCH friends update inflammatory writing to attack his or her other friends.

 Moreover, SNS spoils real relationships offline.

In real case, it is a common situation that your facebook friends cut relationship between you and he or her. They said that because he or she acts so friendly only in facebook.'

Furthermore, people said that they don't like SNS friends who share their depression, rage and so on although these things are important to people who want to share their emotion with friends.

Like these cases, rather SNS activity can spoil real relationship. According to result of the public survey of 'the America character and social psychology association' , people feel unhappy when they watch friends' good news through SNS.

Furthermore, in Haverford college, one experts said the more we update our daily too much, the more our friends think you are rebarbative.

This result implies that we must check our SNS life if we want to maintain a good relationship in offline life.

 

 I concede that SNS may be easier to meet friends rather than offline. Regardless of age, meticulosity, place and time they can meet easily. It means SNS is the best place to meet your friends. However, too many activities on SNS spoil your relationship. Already I mentioned many evidences that prove that SNS ruins your offline-relationship if you do too much SNS. It means that  usability rather spoils your relationship. Therefore SNS is not easier to meet friends.
Furthermore, SNS is the best place where it implants wrong prejudice. In Korea, it is also easy to watch that many people update wrong information such as rumors about their friends. Because young people believe the information that is updated in SNS easily, wrong information can cause bad results. According to one article, is was proved that an outcast in SNS more tries to commit suicide. 
It also tell that SNS is not good to meet your friends. 
 

To you, maybe it doesn't matter whether SNS has negative effects because SNS already dominated your life. However, we must know how SNS can be dangerous. If we don't know about the effect of SNS, our relationships will be faced with dispute or alienation. It is the reason that I chose this topic. We must know that SNS can adversely affect people to maintain their relationship'  If you read my essay and keep in mind what this essay argue, you can do SNS more healthily. Furthermore, the culture of SNS will be fine. 

   
Reference

 

Kim Tae Seon . 2014. 8. 10 / 77% of university students feel “SNS is waste of time”

http://www.daejeontoday.com/news/articleView.html?idxno=330514
 

Kim Dong Il 2014. 8. 11 / 82% of college students "are using SNS "

http://www.jemin.com/news/articleView.html?idxno=340698
 

Kim Uoo Ram 2014. 5. 21 college students use SNS (one hour for one day)

http://www.etoday.co.kr/news/section/newsview.php?idxno=918311
 

Lee Kwang Ho 2014. 9. 01 / rather They feel lonely through SNS.

http://www.ilyosisa.co.kr/news/articleView.html?idxno=69058
 

Im Chang gue 2014. 7. 4 / If there is no attention, they feel pain

http://www.mediapen.com/news/articleView.html?idxno=39702
 

Choi seon woong 2014 .4  / The reason - using SNS

http://navercast.naver.com/magazine_contents.nhn?rid=1103&contents_id=52743
 

Kim Hea mi / Nick  2014 . 4 / SNS makes us lose real friends.

http://navercast.naver.com/magazine_contents.nhn?rid=2026&rid=&contents_id=63250
 

Seo bo hyun 2014. 04. 01 . SNS gives people a sense of alienation

http://www.ulsan-news.com/sub_read.html?uid=11502&section=sc15&section2=%BF%EF%BB%EANews

Kyunghyang Shinmun 2013. 06. 24 / SNS is used to  incited
http://news.khan.co.kr/kh_news/khan_art_view.html?artid=201306241800021&code=940401

Research 5 - SNS rather makes a sense of alienation

SNS rather makes a sense of alienation
[ I can't sure that the word 'rather' is used properly in my title.]

http://www.ulsan-news.com/sub_read.html?uid=11502&section=sc15&section2=%BF%EF%BB%EANews

My Topic:

'SNS can not help people to maintain their relationship'

What I hope to learn from this source:

I need the reasons that SNS is not good for relationship with friends. So I find this resource.

I want to learn the negative effects of SNS for relationship.

 

Notes:

they have feeling of loss when they watch embellished daily of friends.
 
1. In real case, Mr Lee (30 years old, live in Ulsan) removed all Social network services which he used. He told that "When I use SNS, all people who are SNS friends look like happy except me." , "Friends update their new car pictures, trip pictures and these make me have a sense of inferiority.."
 
2. A department of neuropsychiatry doctor mentioned that "SNS makes people have complex and compared consciousness."

3.In Busan university, 황성욱·박재진 professors investigated about 'the psychological problem of facebook'. The result was that people have stress that was made by the light relationship that is maintained only in facebook. Furthermore, they have feeling of loss when they watch embellished daily of friends. Lastly, they also have pressure that they must update their daily falsely.
 

Final Thoughts:

I found one example and two mentions of experts.
Lastly, without doubt I'm sure that SNS makes people poor.
There are many data of experts In korea and other nations.
Hmm.. I.. think the problems of SNS are quite serious. I think people are not ready to accept Social Network Service correctly.
 

Research 4 - SNS makes people pay no attention to real friends

pay no attention to real friends

http://navercast.naver.com/magazine_contents.nhn?rid=2026&rid=&contents_id=63250

My Topic:

'SNS can not help people to maintain their relationship'

What I hope to learn from this source:

I need the reasons that SNS is not good for relationship with friends. So I find this resource.

I want to learn the negative effects of SNS for relationship!!!!!

Notes:

1.  According to result of the public survey of 'the America character and social psychology association' , people feel unhappy when they watch friends' good news through SNS.
2. In Haverford college, one experts said the more we update our daily too much, the more our friends think you are rebarbative.

Final Thoughts:

Although there were only two evidences, these are very objective data!!!
I'm sure that these data will help me to confirm my conclusion is right!!

From this article, the negative effects of SNS become certain.

 

Research 3 - People do SNS because of maintaining their relationship.

7. The reason - using SNS

http://navercast.naver.com/magazine_contents.nhn?rid=1103&contents_id=52743

My Topic:
'SNS can not help people to maintain their relationship'

What I hope to learn from this source:
For my 'concede' part, I surely needed the evidence that People use SNS for their relationship.
this source firmly show what I wanted.

Notes:

[In this notes, 'people' means 'who are useing SNS']

1. About 37%/ of people use SNS for maintaining their offline-relationship
2. About 22% of people use SNS for making their personal place.
3. About 21% of people use SNS for information.
4. About 12% of people use SNS for finding new personal connections 
5. About 5% of people use SNS for sightseeing of other people's place.
6. About 3% of people use SNS for engaging in popular voice

Final Thoughts:

This source shows that about 57% of people use SNS because of the social reationship.
Therefore, I achieved my purpose [ I needed the evidence that people use SNS for their relationship.].

After I read this article, I thought that I also use facebook for those reasons. However, I never feel that my relationship became better after I started facebook.

I realized that.. SNS does not have any effects for improving relationship!


  

Research 2 - Problems With Social Networking and Teens

Source: Problems With Social Networking and Teens
http://www.life123.com/parenting/tweens-teens/social-networking/issues-with-teens-and-social-networking.shtml

My Topic:
'SNS can not help people to maintain their relationship'

What I hope to learn from this source:
I want to find facts that might help me develop my topic. It means that I want to fine some problems with SNS such as facebook..

Notes:

 Recent research from the Pew Internet Project suggests that 93% of Americans from ages 12 to 17 use the Internet, and 55% of those teens use social networks.

1. Most social networking sites are open to all, especially MySpace, which means that your teen could be exposed to harassment
2. Cyber-bullying and harassment are most often perpetrated by other teens and tend to happen most to older girls and to teens of either gender who have a strong online presence.
3.  teens may become targets of pedophiles. when they do SNS
4. The anonymity of some social networking sites makes it easy for unscrupulous people to target young teens and engage them in harmful conversations.

Final Thoughts:

This source show the problems with SNS. However, There were few informations about 'relationship'. This source mainly tells me that 'SNS can be used as the criminal place.
Therefore, I think that I will use only number 2 (Cyber-bullying and harassment are most often perpetrated by other teens and tend to happen most to older girls and to teens of either gender who have a strong online presence. ) 

when I mention that SNS spoils relationship with friends.

 

 

Research 1 - 77% of university students feel “SNS is waste of time”

Source: 77% of university students feel “SNS is waste of time”
http://www.daejeontoday.com/news/articleView.html?idxno=330514

My Topic:
'SNS can not help people to maintain their relationship'

What I hope to learn from this source:
I have to prove that SNS do not helpful for relationship. Therefore, I need the evidence that Actually Students who use SNS mostly feel that SNS is not good for them.

Notes:

1. Eight students of Ten students responed that SNS is waste of time.
2. Students have burden when they have their eyes on comment or 'like' .
3. Students also have burden when they use SNS because it spend time too much
4. Students are stressed when they comprise the amount of comments with their friends. 

 

Final Thoughts:

This source was used for my essay. It was very helpful. From this resource, I realized that students already know that SNS has not good effects. So I thought that the reason that students do SNS although they know that SNS is not good is because they don't know why it is bad. For this reason, I firmly decided to prove the bad effects of SNS to help people who can't stop doing SNS.

The fixed things in second draft

- I fixed the Grammar and words.
- I fixed the conclusion because it was not good.
- I think Narration is good!

-! I did researches newly!
  ( I read mostly korean articles because the problems of SNS are hot issue in Korea, so there are many and rich information. Please understand me.)